All good children they believe
Every rocking Christmas Eve
Santa travels in his sleigh
With rocking reindeer in the reins
To visit every domicile
Where there resides a goodly child
And leave presents under the tree
In each municipality
There was a time when this was true
But lately there’s too much to do
With populations on the rise
It’s hard to navigate the skies
Global consumption’s running wild
It’s not unknown to miss a child
Rudolph’s feeling in a rut and
Lapland Council’s facing cuts
But even though it’s snowing
Household numbers keep growing
And Santa just can’t make it round no more
Chorus
So we’re, route optimising Santa Claus
Those rocking reindeer need a more efficient course
Yes we’re, route optimising Father Christmas
No more allotted breaks for sherry and biscuits
Oh we’re, route optimising Old St. Nick
Give him a range of options he can take his pick
Oh yes we’re, route optimising Papa Noel
When we’re done we’ll run a tender process for some new sleigh bells
Households have been spreadsheeted
We’ve geocoded every kid
Algorithms will compute
A new and more efficient route
We’re implementing changes now
Santa’s depot moves to Slough
The business case is crystal clear
We’re laying off the slowest deer
And buying a new transit van
But snags have hit the project plan
Elves are smashing ornaments
Consultation’s what they want
Santa’s had to arbitrate
He’s offered better hourly rates
And sworn never to impose
A lights out on Rudolph’s nose
So even though it’s snowing
And household numbers keep growing
Santa’s gonna make it round them all
