All good children they believe Every rocking Christmas Eve Santa travels in his sleigh With rocking reindeer in the reins To visit every domicile Where there resides a goodly child And leave presents under the tree In each municipality There was a time when this was true But lately there’s too much to do With populations on the rise It’s hard to navigate the skies Global consumption’s running wild It’s not unknown to miss a child Rudolph’s feeling in a rut and Lapland Council’s facing cuts But even though it’s snowing Household numbers keep growing And Santa just can’t make it round no more Chorus So we’re, route optimising Santa Claus Those rocking reindeer need a more efficient course Yes we’re, route optimising Father Christmas No more allotted breaks for sherry and biscuits Oh we’re, route optimising Old St. Nick Give him a range of options he can take his pick Oh yes we’re, route optimising Papa Noel When we’re done we’ll run a tender process for some new sleigh bells Households have been spreadsheeted We’ve geocoded every kid Algorithms will compute A new and more efficient route We’re implementing changes now Santa’s depot moves to Slough The business case is crystal clear We’re laying off the slowest deer And buying a new transit van But snags have hit the project plan Elves are smashing ornaments Consultation’s what they want Santa’s had to arbitrate He’s offered better hourly rates And sworn never to impose A lights out on Rudolph’s nose So even though it’s snowing And household numbers keep growing Santa’s gonna make it round them all Chorus