More Songs About Consultancy and Bins, by Dirty Murph & the Kerbside Sorters

More Songs About Consultancy and Bins

by Dirty Murph & the Kerbside Sorters

supported by

	/

Streaming + Download

Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

Comes with eight-page PDF lyric booklet!

Purchasable with gift card

£6 GBP or more

1.	Nobody Reads the Appendix 03:41	lyrics	buy track
What do I have to report? Sanctions imposed on love’s import and export But we’ve been through all this before I think you’ve got the gist; you’re on the mailing list But if the book of love was digitised My heart would crash with the file size, and CHORUS Nobody reads the appendix There’s no interest in the detail or scratching below the surface Nobody reads the appendix No-one will love you thoroughly They all just skim the summary Here’s the result of my inspection Analysis of love’s contamination and rejection But you’d never take my recommendation Consult the charts that plot the decline of our hearts And if bullet points were bullets dear I’d shoot my way right out of here, because CHORUS
2.	Amendments Required 02:32	lyrics	buy track
CHORUS Amendments required Amendments required (Amendments required) Amendments required (Track changes) Amendments required now… Draft report Deadline crisis, budget blown I drank a jug of coffee Sent it for QA, but there’s CHORUS So I rush to revise, get my draft finalised If I was a director a trainee would help me The opposite applies Deadline is tight, work ‘til midnight Another draft, not right, not quite CHORUS It doesn’t have to be wrong to be corrected It doesn’t have to be a basket case nightmare first time client making changes just for fun It doesn’t have to be broke to need fixing It has to be rewritten to be right CHORUS Exec summary, the client won’t agree Due date, they’re on leave Just wait, I seethe New facts, update, update! CHORUS And there always are And there always are And there always are And there always are
3.	This is a Song 01:43	lyrics	buy track
This is a song written to a deadline Lots of man hours, but not much elapsed time Midnight oil then rise and shine Is what it took to get it over the line This is a song, I’ve written others before It has a tune and if you’re keeping score These are the words, wish they could tell you more Like why I wrote it or who I wrote it for CHORUS This is a song A confidential song This is a song A confidential client song This is a song This is a song written with due diligence There’s no need to keep you in suspense We concludethat this song makes commercial sense The opportunity it offers could be immense But this song needs handling sensitively For reasons of client confidentiality And the rights to the intellectual property Of this song don’t belong to me CHORUS
4.	Please, Please, Please Let Me Use a New Font 01:44	lyrics	buy track
12-point Times for a change See the styles I’ve had Can make good work look bad So please, please, please Let me, let me, let me Let me use a new font this time Using Calibri for a long time The template I’ve had Can make good work look bad So please, please, please Let me use a new font Corbel, Franklin Gothic or Times
5.	Consultants of Bins 05:36	lyrics	buy track
Well if there’s litter in your park, Or you’re feeling in the dark about bin rounds You’re looking for a way to increase recycling The wind is blowing plastic bags down the high street You need advice ‘bout how to get it all in the bin Put out a tender and get half a dozen responses Coming in by e-mail, you put them all to the test Competition from other places Uh but we’re the best around Way on southwest Way on southwest Bristol town Check out guitar Steve, he can easily achieve A literature review that’ll make you want to cry or sing If you need your quality assured, there’s Ian on keyboard He’ll give your ISO system a thorough auditing Then Ann she plays the flute, but she’s seriously astute In her daytime job, doing LCAs And Mark sings the songs that need tunefulness And models waste flows in a unique way We’re the consultants We’re the consultants of bins This guy Pete foolin’ around at the back here He’s a drumming subcontractor drafted in for his expertise And Hannah likes to sing – but her consultancy thing Is researching single use plastic policies We’re the consultants We’re the consultants who play waste comedy Now I’m Peter, sometimes they let me near the microphone But mostly I advise on the laws on recycling Goodnight, but before you go home Here’s a thought from my colleagues in marketing We’re the consultants The consultants of bins
6.	Anyone Who Knows What Waste Is 02:55	lyrics	buy track
After collection day please put me away I’ll be there for you You can push me around, lift me and put me down I’ll still be there for you You may say I’m confusing Different colours, shapes and brands But if you read your council website You’ll understand I just feel so sorry for the homes that still use sacks ‘Cause they just don’t know the convenience Their waste containment lacks You may fill me up with refuse Recycle paper, glass or cans Just remember – no hot ashes Please understand
7.	Love is Real (In the Food Waste Bin) 05:42	lyrics	buy track
There are flies doing it with flies Getting busy on a chicken thigh There are flies doing it with flies Making love on a key lime pie Drosophila, I see ya, getting jiggy on my meal yeah Drosophila, I see ya, getting jiggy on my meal yeah There are flies doing it with flies Getting busy on a watermelon rind There are flies doing it with flies Making love on a Cantonese stir-fry Drosophila, I see ya, getting jiggy on my meal yeah Drosophila, I see ya, getting jiggy on my meal yeah CHORUS In the food waste bin Love is happening In the food waste bin It’s a fifty litre den of sin In the food waste bin Love is happening Love is real In the food waste bin Tonnages are growing Bin juices are flowing Tonnages are growing Bin juices are flowing Kitchen caddy Who’s your daddy? I do the nasty on a pastie I’m a kitchen caddy daddy There are flies doing it with flies Getting busy on exotic fungi There are flies doing it with flies Making love on truffle oil fries Drosophila, I see ya, getting jiggy on my meal yeah Drosophila, I see ya, getting jiggy on my meal yeah CHORUS
8.	Certificate of Destruction 03:33	lyrics	buy track
I’m gonna buy a class M1 vehicle And paint it blood red I’m gonna drive it to the end of the world And right off of the edge And when the reaper comes to call For my car and me I’ll say, “Take me down to hell, but take my car To an authorised treatment facility” CHORUS And gimme a certificate of destruction To prove my car is off the road Certificate of destruction Issue that document and heal my soul Certificate of destruction Don’t leave my car in purgatory Certificate of destruction For the deregistration of an ELV Yeah gimme heavy metal: Cadmium, mercury and lead And put me through the shredder, because You know I love to shred But I don’t want no heavy metals, In no shredder residue So restrict them to the applications listed in The ELV Directive’s Annex II CHORUS
9.	See That Their Fence is Kept Green 01:58	lyrics	buy track
Well there’s one thing China’s gonna do See that their fence is kept green There’s two restricted material streams Mixed papers and plastic scrap Did you ever hear of national sword? They won’t accept contamination any more Did you ever build a Chinese wall? It means the price of recyclin’s gonna fall. Did you ever see a perfect storm? Now I believe in PERN reform There’s one last favour I’ll ask of you See that China’s fence is kept green
10.	Return to Vendor 02:06	lyrics	buy track
I bought a bottle of water Twisted off the cap But when I’d finished drinking They wouldn’t take my bottle back. Why don’t they write upon it?: CHORUS Return to vendor, deposit paid Do not litter, don’t throw away. We had a quarrel, a policy spat I made the arguments But the drinks industry fought back Bottles littered on the pavement Cause visual disamenity And if they don’t get picked up They can wash down to the sea. Why don’t they write upon them?: CHORUS I’m gonna speak to Defra myself Explain the recycling case If they don’t implement a return scheme They’re a total disgrace Who don’t care about it CHORUS
11.	Second Life Bear 03:44	lyrics	buy track
When you’re down on your luck in a MRF No embraces left for you but from the earth The one you loved disposed of you Still you might meet somebody new Who’ll give you back your sentimental worth CHORUS Second life bear Second life bear Well my first life raised my fur But now I’m living free of care As a second life bear As a second life bear Well this hard living’s hard when you’re soft There are people who will throw you out the loft But there’s strength in being cuddly So go to bed with this teddy Hold me in your arms, reuse me oft CHORUS Don’t abuse me Just reuse me Come ruffle the fur Of this second life bear CHORUS
12.	The Bin Man Takes it All 04:25	lyrics	buy track
I don’t wanna sort recycling from residual No way would you catch me using a caddy I’ve binned all my card, my plastics, glass and metals No rules to obey, just throw it all away The bin man takes it all Containers large and small In any quantity No side waste policy I live in a flat on my local high street The shop owner downstairs has a duty of care But no waste transfer note, he’s quite happy to cheat So I would be a fool to play by the rules Each day I throw a sack onto the tarmac And someone I don’t know Makes sure that it goes The bin man takes it all No matter where it falls The clear all policy Works perfectly for me But tell me what is this Section 46 notice? Whatever can it mean, “Compulsory recycling scheme”? The council now insists I use the right containers Set out on the right day, rules must be obeyed Because I’m disinclined to receive a fine The waste I used to throw can no longer go The nightly RCV no longer stops for me Because ownerless grey waste no longer accumulates Now I’ve learned to sort it doesn’t make me feel sad And I understand it’s worth doing by hand I do what I ought but sometimes I feel bad Because I didn’t used to see y responsibility But you see The bin man took it all The bin man took it all

about

Recorded by Phil Davies at Room 4 Studios, Bristol 29-30 Sep 2019. Mixed by Phil Davies
Extended Producer Responsibility: Steve Watson and Peter Jones

credits

released December 3, 2019

Operatives utilised on this recording are:
Ann Ballinger • George Beechener • Dr Pete Bennett •
Ian Cessford • Mark Cordle • Hannah Gillie • Peter Jones • Steve Watson

Cover design: Peter Jones.
Photos: Phil Davies (cover/inner), George Redgrave, via Flickr (back)